Posted on Wednesday, September 19th, 2012 at 6:27 PM by Kimo Kuppe
(Note: This is not at all a real announcement. This is something I wrote up as a disgruntled former fan of BioWare and their games. I don’t actually hate executive producer Mark Darrah. I’m sure he’s a nice guy who is doing his best however he made the announcement so he is my stooge for this. Again, this is not the actual Dragon Age 3 announcement.)
Hey remaining fans,
The big-wigs are wheeling me out because the biggest complaint were getting is we aren’t as good as we
used to be.
I’ve been with the company a while and worked on one of our most celebrated games according to the fanbase whom we alienated with our last 3 titles. We built up some pretty serious praise and were hailed as the saviors of RPGs and games in general. Sure there were problems but people loved us and through a lot of hard work we became a name people could count on for a memorable game experience.
But that turned out to be too expensive and time consuming. Hell, we figured we could shit in a box and people would still pay 60 dollars (80 for collector’s edition) for it and still call it ice cream. With EA backing us, not even the pathetically bought-and-sold “gaming journalism” sites would dare give us a sub perfect rating.
Don’t let that hubris scare ya, I’m just like you. I love Dungeons and Dragons. And I love your money even more.
Speaking of money, holy shit did you see that Obsidian Kickstarter? They got over a million dollars in less than 24 hours of announcing just an IDEA for a game! No concept art, no screenshots, nothing, just saying that they want to make a classic style game. God I hate those jerks at Obsidian. After the success of Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic we were busy. Understandably so, changing gaming forever of course brings in people eager to spend time with us. So we handed off the sequel to Obsidian. Those little prima donna BASTARDS upstaged us! Even after getting screwed with a short development time and shipping an unfinished and unpolished game they still received heavy praise and wrote what was probably the best story to happen to the Star Wars universe ever, and one that heavily surpassed the story of our own KOTOR 1. We got even with them though, by churning out a book before Star Wars: The Old Republic that totally negated Obsidian’s stupid story. Jerks.
But they didn’t seem to learn did they, coming back to steal our RPG thunder with this Kickstarter
business. How DARE they encroach on our turf, especially after our lackluster Baulder’s Gate Enhanced
That’s why I’m here.
I can assure you that we’ve totally been working on Dragon Age 3 for a long time. Not only that, but the
people behind Dragon Age 2 aren’t involved at all. In fact, forget I even mentioned Dragon Age 2, as far
as you’re concerned the series went from Dragon Age: Origins to Dragon Age 3. What’s that? You want
proof that we’ve been working on it all this time? Shit, I wasn’t prepared for this. What do we got? No
Ok Hang on….
Ah HA! I got it. We got a name for it, and its one we totally didn’t get through a focus group to decide
We’re calling it “Dragon Age 3: Inquisition”
Pretty badass, huh? You know were gonna do something dark and awesome with this! Like all our past
products your choices are going to matter in the story, right head writer David Gaider?
“What happens isn’t always going to be what you think should happen. It will, in fact, pretty much always work out the way we think it should– and that includes bringing characters we like back. For those people who are just going to stamp their feet and insist that it should be what they want instead, I can guarantee that there’s no amount of explanation that will convince them it isn’t some offense to their idea of how our universe should work… so I’m not about to try here on these forums.”
Shit, he said that? Well he’s right, really. After Mass Effect 1 it turned out to be kind of difficult to actually make a story have so many variables, and then to make those variables matter? Yikes, that’s a lot of work! And we already redefined gaming as we know it once, what more do you people want from us? Once you work hard once and it gets you a big pile of money and credibility, you never have to do it again! We really tried though with the suicide mission in Mass Effect 2, but like I said, too hard and we’ll get big money and praise either way. Don’t like it? Well then I guess you are just entitled and can’t appreciate our artistic vision, now fork over that cash.
So even though I don’t have anything to show you after 2 years of supposed work other than a subtitle, and at the sudden popularity of our rival, loud complaints against our owners at EA and ourselves for our past 3 half-assed games and smug treatment of any dissent, you can totally take my word for it that the old magic that you fell in love with is coming back. Well, not all of it. You won’t get any magic from the people who left after Origins launched. Particularly the magic of Brent Knowles, lead designer of Dragon Age: Origins who left after he saw what the plan for 2 was. Well screw him! We’re gonna knock it out of the park with this one, I tell ya! It’s gonna be like, 1 MILLION Tuchankas. Remember that part of Mass Effect 3? And you know what will make it even better? The day 1 DLC and retailer exclusive pre-order bonuses! And boy will they be great! Maybe they’ll be a sexy new character for you to romance. Oooh maybe even a yet unseen RACE of yaoi catgirls who sailed to Fereldan because they want to be taught the ways of love. Did I mention they are fleeing from ANOTHER new race of domineering, but charismatic and sexy, vampire bear-men? That’ll be good, we just need to make sure we don’t make them too inhuman or outrageous in attire so people can cosplay as them. That’s important to us.
You’re just going to have to trust me on this one. Who am I kidding? Even you big dissenters are
probably abuzz with inner turmoil and are considering getting this game too.
See you on launch day, pigeons.
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